Update

I see that it’s been too long since I posted, so here goes —

I would say that overall I feel better.  I’m still having trouble with endurance when I walk, but I’m continuing to work on it.  Mentally, I would say that I’m feeling better as well.

I haven’t posted my weight updates.  I forgot to weigh myself this morning, so I’m going to wait until tomorrow in order to keep it consistent.  I normally weigh myself first thing in the morning.  I lost 1.5 pounds last week.  I will post both last week’s and this week’s weight tomorrow.

I have two appointments during the first week of May.  On May 1, I go to review my latest blood work with a nurse practitioner.  I will also meet with a nutritionist to review my nutrition goals.  On May 6, I have a follow-up appointment with the surgeon.  I’m already starting to compile a list of questions to ask.

I had a pretty good session with my therapist this past Thursday.  We talked about ways to get in the habit, and stay in the habit, of doing some form of exercise every single day.  She told me a story about a friend of hers who is a behavioral psychologist.  About a year ago, her friend decided to start practicing what she preached.

The idea is very simple, but not something I ever thought of, probably because I can be a bit dense at times.  What you do is to link a desired behavior with something you already do, such as eating or brushing your teeth.  Her friend’s goal was to exercise every single day, so she linked exercise to something she did every day.  Everyone eats and brushes their teeth every day.  Everyone goes to the bathroom every day.  Just a couple examples.  Her friend has now gone more than 370 consecutive days of exercising EVERY — SINGLE — DAY!!

So, I decided to start doing this, so that I can be more consistent with my exercise.  Every time I eat a meal or have a protein drink, I’m going to do some exercise beforehand.  This way, I will get exercise several times each day.  Unfortunately, I already lapsed yesterday.  So, I’ve decided to go public on this blog to give myself more accountability.  Today is my 1st consecutive day of exercise!  I’m also going to add a page to keep count.  That way, everyone who reads this will know if I slip up.  Wish me luck!

Weekly Weight Update

I lost around 5 pounds this week. I’m now down around 45 pounds since surgery.  If I include the month before surgery, when I was on a special diet called Optifast 800, then I’m down a total of 75 pounds, because I lost 30 pounds on Optifast.

I also made a pact with a friend this week to get in the habit of consistently exercising every day.  I’ve been skipping days, because I’m still having just as much back and joint pain as before.  So, I’ve been getting my walking in every day.  So far, I still don’t have much endurance, but I’m able to walk at a slightly brisker pace (still really slow!).

On the eating plan, I’m still having trouble getting a variety.  I’ve been eating mostly protein-based foods, and haven’t had many fruits, veggies, or starches.  But, I am consistently meeting my protein and liquid goals for each day, which is the most important thing right now.

My goal for this week is to add a small amount of weight exercises, so I can start strenghening muscles.  I think that will be a big help physically.

On the mental front, I’m feeling a little more positive, and I’m not spending as much time second-guessing the decision to have the surgery.  That’s about all I have for today, take care, everybody.

One Side Effect of Gastric Bypass Surgery

I wasn’t really sure whether I even wanted to write this post, but I decided to go ahead.  This post is going to be crappy, though — literally.  This post is about — constipation.

I knew before having the surgery that constipation was one of the side effects, but I didn’t think too much about it.  I mean, I’ve had constipation in my life, who hasn’t?  The three bouts of constipation I’ve had since the surgery, however, have been so severe, that they have literally been debilitating.

This most recent bout had me basically incapacitated from Saturday through Monday, and even today I don’t feel so hot, even though I’m finally cleaned out.  In the end (no pun intended), I took three different kinds of laxatives to get loosened up.  Yesterday, I was in so much pain, I could hardly even move.  I had to call and reschedule my follow-up appointment with the surgeon, because I just couldn’t make it.  I don’t want to get too graphic here, but I felt like I had a softball stuck in my butt.

So, anyway, my follow-up appointment is now scheduled for May 6, which will have me almost three months out from surgery.  I also have two appointments this month, one with a nurse practitioner to review blood work, and one with a nutritionist to go over my eating plan.

In the mean time, I need to get busy on the online gastric bypass support forums to see if I can pick up any ideas to, er, normalize my GI tract as much as possible.  I think that, in about two weeks, when I get to graduate to raw fruits and veggies, that will help, because right now I’m just not getting any roughage, and not enough fiber.

I did weigh myself today, and I’m now down 40 pounds in the six weeks since surgery, so things seem to be progressing normally as far as weight loss is concerned.  Now, I just need  to figure out how to keep from feeling like I have a softball stuck up my arse!

One final note before I sign off for today — I am completely and totally in awe of any woman who has ever given birth!

Weekly Weight Update

I lost 3.4 pounds in the  past week.  That’s  not nearly as much as I lost the previous week, but it’s in a downward direction, so I’m not really concerned.  I ate a lot of canned, prepared soup this week, and all that stuff is high in sodium, so I think I probably retained some water weight, also.

Mentally, things haven’t been the greatest, but I’m trying to plow through and continue to dig my way up.  I’m not sure that I’ll ever completely understand myself, but I’ll continue to try.

It snowed here in Delaware this morning, but it didn’t really stick to the roadways, and it will probably be all melted off by tomorrow.  It could have been a lot worse.  We really had a pretty mild winter here,  with hardly any snow and ice.

I’m going to try and get up to see my dad sometime this week, because I haven’t seen him since before the surgery.  He’s been doing fine, except he had one trip to the ER to be checked out after having a seizure.  He has an appointment scheduled with his neurologist to see if they need to make any adjustments to his medications.

That’s about all I have for now.  I’ll send out updates this week on how I’m feeling.

Weekend Update

I haven’t been feeling the greatest the last few days.  I’ve kind of been on an emotional roller coaster ride ever since the surgery.  I think at least part of it has to do with the massive physical changes that are starting to take place, but I’ve still been kind of down in the dumps.

I can’t stop obsessing over how I’m going to get by without using food as a crutch.  I don’t think it really hit me before the surgery, but I’ve used food as a crutch for as long as I can remember, and now I no longer have that.  I’m not sure which is worse, the absence of my crutch, or the stunning realization that it never helped with anything in the first place.

I already understood this intellectually, but it’s all hit me on a deeper level within the last several weeks.  My inability to shut down my thoughts is having an immobilizing effect on me.  I haven’t been able to take any action to improve things because my mind keeps pulling me down.  I know that sounds wrong and it doesn’t make any sense, but that’s the way things have been going.  I guess the roller coaster has been on a downward trend the last few days.

Right  now, I have my TV on, and a college basketball game is playing.  I have no idea why I have it tuned to that, because I’m not paying any attention to the game, and I really could care less who wins the tournament.  Sometimes, I think I have the TV on just to give myself the illusion that I’m not alone.  It doesn’t work.

The realization that I’ve come to is a bit overwhelming, to say the least.  With all the digging I’ve done over the last year to prepare for and go through gastric bypass surgery, it’s only a tiny fraction of what needs to be done.  The hole that I’ve been digging for myself pretty much my whole life is enormous, and I have a lot more digging and clawing to do.  I have to remind myself that it’s one day at a time, one day at a time.

I’m sorry this post is a little bit of a downer.  I’m trying to keep things as positive as possible on this blog, because I don’t want to adversely affect anyone out there who may be considering going through weight loss surgery.  I can’t lie about how I feel, though.  My weight problems and my mental problems are so intertwined and connected, that sometimes it’s hard to separate one from the other.

Mid-Week Update

I just have a couple quick updates tonight.  I attended a bariatric surgery support group last night.  It was interesting, but wasn’t quite what I expected.  I was expecting more of an open discussion forum, but it was actually more of a question-and-answer session with the moderator, who is an exercise physiologist.  I knew that he would be there, but didn’t realize that the entire meeting would be devoted to exercise issues.  Nevertheless, it was interesting.  I learned some new things, and reinforced some things I already knew.  There are also other support groups in my area.  I’m planning on trying all of them.

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist this morning.  I didn’t want to mess around with any of my meds at this time, and he agreed with me.  So, I’ll be remaining on the same dosages of the same anti-depressants and sleep aids, at least until my next appointment in May.  Although I have had bouts of more severe depression and anxiety since the surgery, I think it has more to do with being so recently post-op rather than any of the medications.  By the way, in case you were wondering, here is my current anti-depressant “cocktail” —

• Cymbalta – 60 mg/day
• Wellbutrin – 300 mg/day
• Prozac – 30 mg/day
• Temazepam (sleep aid) – 30 mg/night

At one point, I was up to 450 mg of Wellbutrin, which is the maximum dose of that drug, but once I stopped taking Oxycontin for pain sometime in September, I discovered that the Wellbutrin was amping me up a little too much, so I’ve been down to 300 mg for about 6 months now.  I’m hoping there will be a day when I don’t need any of these chemicals!

I have my regular weekly appointment with my therapist tomorrow, so we’ll be delving into my issues once again.  I keep hoping for that Ah-ha! moment inside the blob of tapioca in my skull, but so far, it hasn’t happened yet.  I don’t think there’s going to be one big moment like that, but it’s  more likely that there will be several smaller moments over time.  Eventually, I’ll get there.

Monday Weight Update

I got concerned this morning when I weighed myself.  I’ve actually had a big loss since last week.  I called the surgeon’s office to ask about it, and she sent a message back saying that it’s normal at this point and Congratulations!  Bottom line is I’ve lost almost 14 pounds in the last week and the first number in my weight is no longer a 4!  The official tally according to my scale is 387.4 pounds.

Nevertheless, if I hadn’t had reassurance from the doctor that this kind of loss is OK, I’d be really worried right now.  I knew that the biggest loss happens in the first three months, but I didn’t expect it to be quite this fast!

But, I am feeling a bit more energetic the last couple of days.  I had a mid-week phone update with my therapist today.  She’s glad that I found some online support forums to turn to.  It helps to have reinforced that there are a lot of people out there who have gone through the same issues as I am right now.

Tomorrow night, I’m attending a support group meeting at the hospital where I had the surgery done. This will be the first live support group meeting I’ve attended, so I’m not really sure what to expect, but I’ll find out tomorrow night.

Tomorrow, I also get to start trying soft foods.  I’m going to have tuna salad for lunch, and I’m not going to have to puree it!

I still don’t know what the future will hold, and I still have a lot of issues to work out in therapy.  I’m trying to concentrate on the here and now and not think and analyze so much.  The one thing I am absolutely sure of is this — the first number in my weight will never be a 4 again!

Almost ready to try soft foods

Starting on Tuesday, I’ll be able to start incorporating soft foods into my diet, instead of strictly pureed food.  I’m looking forward to having some things with different textures.  Hopefully, it will improve my state of mind, which hasn’t been the greatest this week.

I did find a couple good online forums for bariatric surgery patients, so it’s nice to know that a lot of people have gone through the same issues post-surgery.  I’m attending my first support group meeting on Tuesday night, also.  Hopefully, that will be helpful.

I find that I’m starting to get a little tired of second-guessing myself.  I know this was the right thing to do, and I know that there will be bad days and good days, so I just have to work on rolling with the punches, so to speak.

I talked a lot to my therapist this week about how I’ve used food as a crutch for so long that it almost feels as though I’ve lost a friend.  I posted to one of the forums I found, and had several comments from people.  At least two of them said get a pet, another one said get a hobby, another said go on some kind of quest.  I don’t think I’ll be going on any kinds of quests for a while.  Going through this surgery is enough of a quest for right now!  I would like to get a dog, but I have to get to the point where I can keep up with the dog as far as walking, and that will probably be about three more months.  As far as hobbies go, I used to be a musician (french horn) in a past life.  Right now, my horn is sitting on top of a box of music, just waiting for me.  Maybe I should make that my new hobby.

In  any case, I’ll be looking for some new things to do to occupy my mind.  Maybe, I’ll eventually even be able to come off some of my chemical depression, anxiety, and sleep aids!  That would definitely be cool!

That’s about all for tonight, tomorrow I’ll post my Monday weigh-in results.

Weight Update

I weighed myself yesterday, but never got around to doing a post.  I’m not sure exactly how much I’ve lost since surgery, because I have been weighed on 3 different scales.  If my home scale is close to the hospital scale where I got weighed the morning of surgery, I’ve lost about 20 pounds.

For now, I’m going to  use my home scale as a baseline.  The next time I go to the surgeon, I’ll weigh myself on my scale right before I go.  Then, I can compare the two.  But, according to my home scale (you can see the updates on my weight log page), by the next time I weigh myself, the first number in my weight will no longer be a 4!  I’m not sure how that will feel since the first number in my weight has been a 4 for over 10 years.

I definitely feel as though I’ve lost weight.  My clothes are starting to feel a little looser.  I’m still struggling with walking, but I’m continuing to work on it.  I still get out of breath easily from exertion.  I suppose it will take a while for that to start getting better, because I’m so out of condition.  I’m still feeling tired, but that is starting to improve.

In one more week, I’ll be able to start incorporating soft foods into my diet.  It will be nice to have a small serving of tuna salad without having to puree it to the same consistency as my cream of wheat!  Other than that, everything is going along OK.

I’m still planning on doing a series of posts about my experiences with obesity and depression, but I haven’t started it yet.  That’s about all I have for tonight.

Peace

Feeling Hunger Again

It’s a strange sensation to  feel hunger right now.  After the surgery, I felt thirsty, but not hungry at all.  This week, I started to feel hunger again.  It seems almost foreign to feel that.  I don’t know whether it’s a good thing or a bad thing, but I do know that everything I’ve tried has tasted really good, even though I can only eat a small amount at one time.

On my first trip to the grocery store after surgery, two of the things I got were cream of wheat and instant mashed potatoes.  I’ve never really liked cream of wheat, but it seemed like the right consistency for a pureed diet, and I got the instant potatoes just for the ease of preparation.  Yesterday, I had some instant mashed potatoes, and I thought they tasted great!  I know they’re probably not, because I’ve had real mashed potatoes and know that they are superior to the instant stuff, but it just felt luxurious to have something approaching real food!

This morning, I had cream of wheat, and that tasted great, too!  Maybe I’ll become a cream of wheat convert.  I haven’t had much variety so far — cottage cheese, yogurt, pureed chicken soup, Laughing Cow cheese wedges, pureed eggs, and, of course, mashed potatoes and cream of wheat — but I’m actually looking forward to being able to expand into soft foods in another week-and-a-half.

So far, the fact that I can’t eat much at one time hasn’t really bothered me.   My new “pouch” let’s me know instantly if I’m eating or drinking too fast, so I’m learning to go really slowly.  I’m not sure yet what else I’m gong to eat today.  Right now I’m drinking a protein shake, and that serves the dual purpose of satisfying both thirst and hunger, so it will probably be about two hours before I try eating anything again.  One of the post gastric bypass rules is to not eat and drink at the same time.  I have to stop drinking 30 minutes before eating, and then wait until 30 minutes after eating to drink again.  I was worried about this rule before surgery, because drinking with a meal is such an ingrained habit, but so far it hasn’t been a problem.

On the downside, I’m still feeling totally exhausted, but the surgeon said this is normal for the first month.  I’ve also been feeling more depressed.  Since I’m started to feel hunger again, I keep thinking too far down the road to when I will get to the point where it is possible to start putting some weight back on.  I invent these horror stories in my head where I lose a lot of weight, and then end up putting it all back on.  I know this is unlikely.  I’ve discussed (many times) with my therapist about how I always conjure up worst-case scenarios inside the blob of tapioca in my skull, but then the reality is never even close to being as bad as I had imagined.  I can’t stop myself from inventing new disaster scenarios, though.  Well, at least I recognize that I still have some issues to work out in therapy!

Overall, I’d say everything is going alright at this point.  I just have to keep working on getting my head screwed on straight!  Be well, everyone.

Peace