I haven’t been feeling the greatest the last few days. I’ve kind of been on an emotional roller coaster ride ever since the surgery. I think at least part of it has to do with the massive physical changes that are starting to take place, but I’ve still been kind of down in the dumps.
I can’t stop obsessing over how I’m going to get by without using food as a crutch. I don’t think it really hit me before the surgery, but I’ve used food as a crutch for as long as I can remember, and now I no longer have that. I’m not sure which is worse, the absence of my crutch, or the stunning realization that it never helped with anything in the first place.
I already understood this intellectually, but it’s all hit me on a deeper level within the last several weeks. My inability to shut down my thoughts is having an immobilizing effect on me. I haven’t been able to take any action to improve things because my mind keeps pulling me down. I know that sounds wrong and it doesn’t make any sense, but that’s the way things have been going. I guess the roller coaster has been on a downward trend the last few days.
Right now, I have my TV on, and a college basketball game is playing. I have no idea why I have it tuned to that, because I’m not paying any attention to the game, and I really could care less who wins the tournament. Sometimes, I think I have the TV on just to give myself the illusion that I’m not alone. It doesn’t work.
The realization that I’ve come to is a bit overwhelming, to say the least. With all the digging I’ve done over the last year to prepare for and go through gastric bypass surgery, it’s only a tiny fraction of what needs to be done. The hole that I’ve been digging for myself pretty much my whole life is enormous, and I have a lot more digging and clawing to do. I have to remind myself that it’s one day at a time, one day at a time.
I’m sorry this post is a little bit of a downer. I’m trying to keep things as positive as possible on this blog, because I don’t want to adversely affect anyone out there who may be considering going through weight loss surgery. I can’t lie about how I feel, though. My weight problems and my mental problems are so intertwined and connected, that sometimes it’s hard to separate one from the other.
REDUCTION ROAD ODYSSEY 